Have you ever read any of the Book-a-Minutes? This is a website that houses a library of ultra-condensed books. They take classic, sci-fi, and kids books and rewrite them so they’re incredibly short.
It’s what would happen if Reader’s Digest was anorexic.
It takes less than a minute — less than 30 seconds, usually — to read these super-short summaries. And they’re hilarious. If you have a snotty sense of humor like me, you’ll like them.
Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about. I chose classic children’s books because that’s what I’m crocheting right now.
THE SECRET GARDEN
I’m sick because I think I’m sick.
Then let’s reawaken our spirits by going to this garden and discovering the healing power of love inside us all.
Sounds good to me.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
(Charlie gets a TON of Willy Wonka chocolate bars.)
Hooray. I’m an instant winner.
Hi kids. Four of you will undergo severe physiological distress that in the real world would get me sued, and one will be picked to be the Special One.
(Charlie gets picked.)
ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
(Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert send for an orphan boy to help out at Green Gables.)
Anne Shirley, you are not a boy. Go back to the orphanage.
If I work really hard, stay out of trouble, enrich your lives with my buoyant spirit, rescue you from the doldrums of your pragmatic ways, and touch the hearts of the townsfolk…then can I stay?
(Anne does all these things except stay out of trouble.)
THE CAT IN THE HAT
Sally and Me
(The Cat in the Hat shows up and wrecks the entire house. He cleans it up just before MOM gets home.)
Sally and Me
Let us never speak of boredom again.
Wilbur, the Pig
I don’t want to die.
Charlotte, the Spider
Fear not. I have a plan.
(Charlotte spins a web over the pig with words like GREAT and SUPER in it.)
The pig is amazing.
The spider is amazing.
I do believe I’m correct on all matters.
(Emma is WRONG.)
There goes that theory. Better get married.